Some mornings I wake up and skip practice.
A million ideas call for my attention. They all claim to be oh so important.
Before I started meditating, I thought I knew what was good for me.
Study more. Train harder. Keep going no matter the cost.
I brought that attitude to yoga and when I couldn’t keep to an imposed ideal, I suffered.
Often I wake up, tired.
“Am I getting soft?”
I feel a wedge that divides me from what I know works. I start to panic.
Some mornings when these feelings arise, instead of sitting with the quiet, I reach out for distractions open the phone and binge on distractions.
This is the antithesis of the practice. Instead of stilling my attention, I am agitating it. I know that this is pulling me from where I want to go, and yet, I partake.
In the back of my mind lurks a desire to self-sabotage. This action gives that part of me fuel.
Why is it that I do this?
As I grow, I see that getting to the bottom of the ‘why’ is problematic. For me, it has been better to recognise that self-sabotage is just an energy. And all energy can be danced with.
At its highest, a dance is a coordinated action of body, mind and soul.
Is life merely a physical dance, from one place to the next, one desire to another? What is it to dance fully?
I practice a pure dance called the Nrtta Sadhana. On the mornings I feel like I have cheated myself from my dance practice, I can feel less set up for the day. Less me. This dance can be used as a set-up for meditation. It can also be a meditation in it’s own right.
It is easy tp fall in love with the ideal of the Yogi, eyes closed, lost in a meditative trance. But this morning I sit, barely able to keep up with a busy mind. I swat away the thoughts “I’m not good enough” and “why can’t I just sit.” This morning there is a false perception of self-worth being tied to the practice. Expectation.
This inner dance feels different than the coordinated movement and un-imposed gestures of the Nrtta.
This is the dance of my mind.
Over the years, small gains have been made. As I patiently watch, I see narratives surface like uninvited old acquaintances that don’t wish me well.
Today, I am able to let go.
I take an honest appraisal of the situation.
They say, if you wrestle with a pig, you’ll only end up getting covered in shit.
This morning, I politely decline the invitation.
After distracting myself for an hour, feeling frazzled, I make the choice to believe.
A simple act of decisive internal faith restores a connection that I used to think required 2 hours of physical practice.
In the sea of chaos, especially when we have not met our own expectations, there is every temptation to latch onto negative thoughts and let them run wild.
I’ve seen where they go. I’m not good enough leads to why am I even here and before I know it I have spun some ungodly story that questions my very being itself.
That simple choice, to trust, is way more powerful than I can articulate. It is a muscle that gets stronger each time the decision is made.
Ultimately, this is the path of surrender, the no-method ‘method.’
Here, you are invited to give it all up and see what remains. Even the practice is held lightly.
This morning, I let go of the real culprits to my unhappiness; an attachment to practice and a desire to trash myself.
This guilty thought isn’t mine. Only God knows where it truly has come from.
So instead of robotically trudging through a practice in the hopes that it will bring me into deliverance, I am finally learning to listen to the requirement of the situation.
To test your hearing, you use quiet sounds. This morning was a subtle teaching.
The real inner dance progresses from a physical activity, to one of the subtle realm of mind, causation and Soul.
The practice of Himalayan Meditation is an invitation to take your experience of life as a dance partner. And to eventually find your flow and to be the master of your own liberation.
This is a path that is uniquely yours, where faith and belief are essential, as is the close application of mindful awareness to all dimensions of life.
For hidden inside every encounter is a moment of liberation yearning to be realised. But only to those who have ears to listen.
Softness of mind and tenderness of heart are essential to feel grounded in the presence. Meditation aids in this process by calling forth the next moment comes in peace.
Your happy past and longed for future is disguised and revealed in the satisfied present.
This morning, rather than dance with body, I felt a need to express the dance in words.
To write. To reflect. To learn about myself.
Here I have allowed the dance of energy to come forth onto the page.
So I ditch the negative thoughts knocking at the door, and reassert an inner belief. In what? Something, anything bigger than me. Life. God. Consciousness. Doesn’t matter what I call it, just that I feel it.
In the mirror I see a couple of trillion cells, unified by a solitary sense of being ‘me.’ This morning, my me-ness will suffice.
The Soul has returned.
Belief bootstraps positivity. I have. I will. I can.
I have overcome many challenges.
I will persist with the endeavour.
I can have the happiness I seek.
In an instant, the attachment to practice is broken like a flash of lightning cutting through the night sky.
How deeply I was gripped by a false belief ‘if I meditate, I am worthy.’
Oh what suffering this creates when I am unable to sit!
This is not freedom.
When the Buddha sat, he sat.
Can a David just happily binge on his phone while being fully present (rather than adding the toxic side of self-judgement.)
The practice is only ever going to get me back here. What makes me think that the mystical ‘somewhere else’ is even in my hands? My intuition suggests that I’ll only be admitted into that domain whence I am fully at peace with this one.
Expectation cleaves my happy me-ness from the other 23 hours of the day.
Belief weaves meditation back into my life, leaving me feel whole. Like a single shoelace that pulls against itself in order to hold the foot firm in a shoe.
This is the moment when object and backdrop are felt as one.
An air of good will comes as a refreshing breeze in the stuffy night. A genuine humour and joy permeates being.
A sense of awe in a child’s eye as a rabbit awaits a duck in the rain.
A star sits happily in the sky.
If you are wanting to loosen the grip on your mind and are ready to learn how to extract the wisdom from your own life, we have a few spots on our upcoming yoga and meditation ‘Soul Retreat.’
More than just a peaceful few days away in the Grampians, you will be guided to learn simple, authentic meditation and yoga practices and a self-accepting, self-nurturing disposition so that their application in your life is from a balanced and peaceful place.