I’m not much a fan of war.
I had a taste of modern conflict (Afghanistan) and am thankful to not have experienced the horrors of the much larger and in many ways, more brutal wars of the 20th century.
But war is war.
And you don’t need to put on a uniform to experience the pain of an inner war (in Yoga, we call this suffering dukkha.)
Have you ever found yourself feeling the challenge of inner turmoil?
Has self-loathing or perhaps even self-hatred ever appeared on your path?
I know both physical war, and also the inner war.
This is why I am now an advocate for peace; I wouldn’t wish either war upon even my worst enemies.
The great Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh once remarked that soldiers make the best advocates for peace, as they have seen first hand the damage that conflict brings.
It took me some time for this teaching to sink in….
Soldiers advocating for peace, really?
I am an unlikely candidate to be running an Ashram, but given my Hatha Yoga Guru is also a Veteran of war (Vietnam,) I truly feel it was my karma to go to war… and then to advance the cause of peace.
Inner war. Outer War.
Both suck.
Don’t believe anyone who says otherwise.
The mind likes to convince us that there is a difference between the two, these days, I see more similarity than difference.
“If only my outer situation was better (ie if I had the house, car, girl/boy, job, money, pleasure….), then I’d be at peace.”
Though I don’t think anyone says this out loud, take one look at our culture and it seems to be the unconscious narrative running through many people’s minds.
Yoga turns this belief on its head.
First peace within… then all else will flow.
Confronting, I know
These days, if I find myself ‘at war’ in my outer circumstance… I instinctively ask “am I at peace within?”
You can try this out; it literally costs you nothing (except maybe some pride.)
Why so?
Asking why you are (or aren’t) at peace means that you are also admitting that inner peace is your business, not a gift the world will bestow upon you, but something you must fashion yourself.
Gulp. Responsibility for your peace, sounds scary, right?
It is.
Daily meditation practice hasn’t let me off the hook; not one single time.
In it, I have nowhere to hide.
Some years later, beyond the outer and inner war, I find myself happy, content, and living where I want to be.
Meditating on that, is joy.
Meditating on being stuck in a job I loathe, living in a place I resented… that was rough. But it taught me alot.
But what did it actually cost me to arrive here, at peace within?
An honest look into the abyss.
Meditation showed me that I was wracked with jealousy, lust, greed, anger, resentment and hatred.
But… I could also see the seeds of virtue; connection, stability, contentment, love, truth, presence and something even further beyond.
I still recall the day I realised that I hated more than 50% of who I had become.
It slapped me like a wet fish across the face.
“I hate myself”
I cried and cried and cried and cried some more.
I knew had to get real.
…and I knew had to let go.
Samarpan Dhyan (Himalayan Meditation) is a process of surrender. So, as instructed by my Guru, I let go of my self loathing and all of the other vices that had a grip on me.
My daily practice taught me that you can’t let go of what you are unwilling to see.
And what I saw… was a lot of blame.
This is the victim mindset.
I had it big time; I blamed the army for maiming me physically and mentally, I blamed society for judging me, I blamed my ex-partners for not understanding me.
I even blamed a God whom I didn’t really believe in.
How do you think this victimhood worked out for me?
Not great. I suffered.
Everywhere I looked, was the enemy. This what it is like to be at war.
In order to move beyond, I needed a larger context.
I needed to zoom out from the brick, to see that the brick it is part of a wall… and to zoom out from the wall…. to see that in the wall there was a window… and a door.
Sure, I could keep trying to climb the wall using my fingernails on sharp brick edges (not much fun) or, I could find a path with more ease and just use the bloody door!
Meditation is a door.
It’s not the only way. But it is a reliable way.
It has been used for thousands of years by God knows how many people. It has been called many things… and taken many shapes.
The path of Yoga, (of which meditation or dhyan is the crowning practice,) gave me guidance, not in dogma… but through wisdom earned in practice.
Start with practice. All will be revealed.
Slowly, my practice gave me an experience of consciousness.
Awareness.
Simply being, with nothing to do, and nowhere to go.
I started to feel the ancient truths come alive (as opposed to trying to understand them with the mind; newsflash, like ‘controlling the mind, it didn’t work.)
I felt in my heart that it is from consciousness we emerged, that in the present it is consciousness that holds us, and into consciousness we will eventually dissolve.
“Ahhhhhh”
Peace. Equanimity.
Yoga has taught me that if we want a better material world, we first must tidy up our inner world.
And we all know this to be kind of true.
Simply watch your thoughts; look at the dreams, wishes and desires you have, and then see them come to life.
Some bring you joy, and others sorrow.
I lusted after the prestige of becoming a Commando.
And when I got that, my pride wanted to be even more elite; so I set my sights on becoming a special forces sniper.
First the will, then the action, and then the result.
Was I happy with the result?
It’s complicated.
My ego loved being a bit of a badass, my Soul patiently watched as it knew that I was going to endure suffering.
Yoga teaches the wisdom to want the right thing.
The only desire that does not cause suffering is that for freedom (also known as Moksha or liberation from suffering.)
At first this is selfish (I don’t want suffering because I can’t bear it anymore) and then unselfish (I don’t want suffering for me, or for others.)
Too easy right?
Is Yoga simply a matter of expressing the desire for liberation?
I wish…
It’s a great start, but my experience has been a little more brutal than instantaneous peace.
First, I expressed the desire for freedom.
Then I sat back and watched (this is where meditation helps.)
Daily watching.
What I saw was all of the deeply held desires that caused me to suffer.
I saw (and continue to see) with clarity, where I unconsciously sabotage myself.
It’s rough, but oh so worth it.
Saints of all traditions are depicted with the sun behind their head; the Halo.
This is your Soul.
In it’s light, you will see all manner of crap stored in the dark corners of the attic.
If you are anything like me, the time to start tidying up was yesterday!
When we see our ‘crap’, the initial response can be to run away, but spiritual wisdom emerges as you cultivate the courage to stay and watch and sort the good from the bad.
You begin to notice… Who are you spending time with and why? How does this affect your inner state? From moment to moment, what are your thoughts, where are you? Are you ‘here and now’ or daydreaming of being somewhere else?
My experience has been that introspection takes life from good to better to best… but there is a price we must pay…
Eternal vigilance.
I must show up, open to learn.
This means we must become a student of our Soul.
Swami Shivkrupanand taught me ‘My Soul is my Guru.’
Sounds easy… in reality…. not so easy.
One must tread a delicate middle path. Neither harsh, nor lazy. Being a teacher requires patience. Tolerance. Directness.
This cannot be taught in a 200 hour ‘teacher’ course in Bali, but only through the trials and tribulations of life.
No-one else is better equipped to teach you, than You. This is why, as an Ashram, we will always direct the responsibility for your success upon the path, to you.
We are just humbled to be continuing a tradition bigger than us.
One life-hack I’d love to share with you is that to be a good guide, you must be a good student.
Strange thing, isn’t it, becoming a student of ourselves!
It requires humility.
And the most truthfully humbling thing I have found, is to reveal the limits to my knowledge; i.e. to accept my ignorance.
This counters the trap of pride… and is true, after all, what can we really say for certain?
Let’s do it together in real time…
Right now, what are the immutable, eternal truths that you know?
Surely there is more than death and taxes!
When I boil off the ego and drama and the story of my life… all I really know for sure is that I am here.
But where is here?
I can’t say for sure I know that.
Beyond the Grampians, beyond Victoria, beyond Australia and beyond planet Earth, beyond the Solar System, beyond the Galaxy, beyond the Universe… where are we right both, right now?
We are meeting in a place of connection, you and me.
This is not a physical encounter, but one inside of consciousness.
In Yoga, we call this universal consciousness Paramatma, literally Para means supreme and atman means self/soul.
Our experience is that it is from here, that collective peace emerges.
As a soldier, this was a confronting message because it meant that I had to let go of everything I thought I knew.
Also, quite literally, in the Army ‘Surrender’ is a dirty word.
If I were to boil this essay down into one word, it is Surrender.
To have that message come from me, a former soldier, is surely proof that God has a sense of humour!
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This week I invite you to take stock and reflect on your current situation.
Are you at war? Are you at peace?
What would need to change in ‘you’ to be the sort of person that could handle living a peaceful life?
Are there vices may need to be let go of?
What virtues could you work on strengthening?
Finally, if you are bold, write these out and make an offering to whatever you take to be beyond and higher than yourself.
Surrender it all.
Then… sit back and watch…
Notice how you feel.
Notice the stream of thoughts.
Notice the quality of your meditation… and more importantly, your life.
My guess is that free from the burden of ‘doing,’ you’ll be closer to peace than war 😉
– – – – –
If you are ready to kickstart your daily meditation practice (or deepen your existing experience) I’d love for you to join me on the Soul Retreat.
On the retreat you will learn Traditional Meditation and Yoga in a down to Earth but spiritually uplifting environment, being nourished in mind body and soul.
– – – –
Jai Atmeshwar!
Victory to the Divine Soul
