So there you are, about to make a decision.
But you are torn. Is it option one or option two?
Do I go left, or right?
Hidden behind rumination, is fear. Worry. A hypothetical sense of regret that, upon closer examination, doesn’t yet exist.
“if I make the wrong decision, it will cause me to suffer.”
Will it? How can you be so sure?
I’ve made some pretty wrong decisions that led me here. And I’m happy here and now, so what makes me think tomorrow’s errors are going to be any different!
Let us examine indecisiveness in more detail.
Yes / No thinking is a fallacy.
It is a consequence of mind (who’s nature is divisive and dark.)
Take for example, the decision to leave a job. From one perspective you are saying NO to the conditions of the employer. But from your perspective, you are saying YES to what you want (sticking it to the boss!)
If you focus your energy into saying NO, you will find it causes more suffering.
Why is this?
As social creatures we must learn to ‘get along’ ie say Yes. If you say No too many times, watch how popular you become.
The truth is, no human being lives in a vacuum. Even the most Bear Grylls survivalist doesn’t survive by themselves (who made their clothes, tools and phones?!)
In nature, but naked, we are literally the product of 2 direct ancestors (thanks Mum and Dad!)
When we pull the thread further, we realise that there is a veritable tree of other beings that have given us this opportunity to exist in a body.
But the modern trick of the mind is that it likes to think we live in isolation (just look around to see what individualism has done to our society – it’s all about this illusory sense of ‘me’ as a ‘free individual’!)
So we absolutely need each other.
And a simple YES is there to help us get along. It brings us closer. But YES has a trap too.
When we say YES to others too often, we become a people pleaser. YES at all costs… taken to the extreme, the expectation is to say YES even if you don’t know what you are saying yes too!
Can I stay at your place? Sure, YES
Can I borrow your Car? Sure, YES
Can I offload my trauma onto you so I don’t have to deal with it. Sure, YES…. (oops, there goes a decade or two of misery because you said Yes to the wrong thing. Let’s try that again…)
Can I offload my trauma onto you so I don’t have to deal with it. NO WAY! But instead of this, you can choose to say…YES to me ….
“Thanks for the generous offer, but I am committed to working through ‘my stuff’ and that requires a lot of my emotional reserves.” might be a more polite way to put it…
It may shock you, but we see many people at the end of 20, 30, even 40 years of carrying around other peoples stuff. All because they weren’t the priority.
But if we say No too often, we can become a narcissist.
Learning to direct the positive, affirming sense of YES to ourselves can be rough at first.
But with practice, it becomes habit.
We strike a happy balance between us and others.
This is serving the capital ‘S’ Self – your Soul (not the pesky little ‘s’ self called the Ego.)
For the people pleasers out there, often there can be worry that saying ‘No’ is going to turn you into a monster.
It won’t. Just don’t overdo it.
My advice? Re-frame your No to others as a YES to you.
That way you feel the positive feels. This is also called a boundary.
It is also the sword that cuts through indecisiveness – either way I decide, it’s a YES.
Yes to coming.
Yes to not-coming.
At least it is a decision! And a decision lets you get on with your life and helps your emotions be at peace.
And the next step?
Let go.
Surrender is the final part of the decisiveness equation. After you make your decision, you simply must forget about it.
In the Zen tradition they say after you pick up the brick and knock on the door, you let go of the brick. Why carry it?
So too with your self-relationship.
You choose your YES, then you surrender. Keep marching.
If you find yourself second guessing decisions, or are struggling with boundaries or just don’t like saying No; focus on the YES.
Learning a simple meditation practice like the Himalayan Meditation is a great way to cultivate the clarity and confidence to say YES to you.
The best place to learn this practice (as well as to clear stuck energy from the past) is on the Soul Retreat.
Click here to learn more about the retreat (or here if you are ready to book in!)
